Be still and........?

Pre-Note: I wrote this 8 months ago, then never published it.  Until now.  All of it is still super relevant.  Except instead of 4 months, let's triple that to 12 months......

So it's April.  My last blog was from December.  I've made it a spiritual practice of sorts to not feel crappy about how infrequently I post.  Which, obviously, has been way more successful than my other trial runs at spiritual practices (giving up things for lent, early morning devotionals, regular exercise, etc.....).  Because I have successfully avoided feeling too terrible for the last FOUR MONTHS.

And even as I sit here, I'm not sure what to say.  This confusing bind where I want to say something, but I'm not sure what.  The Bible says "be still and know."  My therapist says "be still and know."  My inner self says "be still and start to fidget and chase down wandering thoughts and feel like you're failing at this being still business and start to take deep breaths so you calm the heck down."  There's a lot going on in my stillness, and not much of it is knowing.  Actually, not much of it is still either.  As I was sitting here, trying to still-and-know myself into writing, I began to fidget with my fidget ring.  I got it in Israel.

Yeah, since we last spent any time together, I went to Israel.  Lots of incredible things happened in Israel.  One of which was my fidget ring.  Maybe not what you expected to hear about Israel.  But the rest of it will have to wait.  Today, the ring.

The ring is not the "be still" kind.  It's the "spins in the middle" kind.  And the outside, in Hebrew, says "Spirit of Courage."  The inside is inscribed with the verse, 2 Timothy 1:7.  So, in the moments when I'm trying really hard to "be still and know" I spin my ring and channel my spirit of courage.  And it's been helpful.  Because it takes a lot of courage to not know.  And to have patience to wait until the knowing part.  Doesn't matter what you're not knowing, the unknown is hard.

Actually, to geek out for a minute, the part of your brain responsible for interpreting threat is the limbic system (specifically, the amygdala).  The amygdala goes around all day, taking in information and deciding if it is cause for alarm.  Beyond obvious things, like loud drunk guy on street corner or broken coffee machine, it also registers the unknown as a threat.

So, basically, are brains are WIRED to not like not knowing.  Which makes be-stilling-when-you-don't-know the bravest thing ever.

Significantly Insignificant

Phew, all that Jesus talk, we need something light.  So, I bring you a post about something totally insignificant:

The gym.  Yep, I go there sometimes.  And it's a big struggle.  Two big reasons why:

1.  I'm not sure how much to work out.  If I don't work out hard *enough* then it's more difficult to  justify the late night snacks and Easter Candy hijacking.  But, if I work out too much, then any effort to move over the next week is devastatingly hard.  So then I don't move, or I crawl, or I bribe my children to do the moving (C-bring me that coffee mug & I'll read you a book, Q-put your diaper in the garbage and I'll reveal the location of your Easter candy).  Which results in my being LESS active than if I hadn't worked out at all.  So then I decide that going to the gym is stupid and pointless and I stop going.  Until I see a bag of Skittles staring at me at 10p.  *Repeat cycle*

2.  When I make it to the gym, it's frequently at the beginning of my work day.  That way, the showers are held hostage until after my work out and the thought of my clients seeing me unshowered & in spandex is motivating enough to get me to the torture chamber.  So, this means I have to bring all of the things necessary for showering and transforming into a respectable business professional.  Which leads to the second struggle:  It's not IF I forget something, but WHAT I forget, and how CRUCIAL is it to the rest of my day.  In my experience of the last 6 months, I've learned a few things.  Let me pass them on to you in case there's a version of your reality where it's helpful:

--Towel: inconvenient, but not crucial.  The gym provides hand towels, and it take approximately 3 to get the job done "Plan B" style.  

--Shoes: unfortunate, but not crucial.  Unfortunate because it could be hard to take mental health recommendations seriously from someone dressed in tennis shoes, leggings, and a dress.    

--Deodorant: no big deal.  Because my forgetting issue is epidemic, so I've stashed sticks of deodorant in lots of random places, including my desk at work.  

--Bra: crucial.  Enough said.  And no, I don't keep spares of those lying around.  

--Razor: recommended to forget.  Because you should never try to shave in a health club shower.  Also, if you think you should because your legs are wooly, then you will slice your finger on said razor and start bleeding all over the bra and shoes and towel that you remembered to pack that day.  

You're welcome.