Pity Potty Party

I've been working on a post in my head for awhile, reflecting on marriage and love and awwww.  And then Husband went on a business trip and I am on day 4 of single parenting Kiddo 1.0 & 2.0.  And marriage and love and awwwwww are so.not.my.vibe.right.now.  Instead, prepare yourself for a post full of sarcasm and potty training casualties and some capital letters.  If that's not your thing, check back after Husband returns and rescues me from single parenting and I feel the love and awwwww.

Kiddo 2.0 is potty training. So, it's a disaster when she announces its time, and her sister is already on the potty.  So we have a potty accident.  While we are operation de-con upstairs, epic screams come from downstairs.

Me: "Kiddo 1.0, what happened? Are you bleeding?  Kiddo 2.0, stop playing with the toilet water."
Kiddo 1.0: "Waaaaaaaaiiilll.  My hand screeeeeaaaammmm fell in the toilet after I hhooowwwwllllll pooped."
Me, wrestling kiddo 2.0 out of the toilet: "Did you consider washing your hands with soap?"
Kiddo 1.0: Silence

Fast forward through bedtime snack and teeth brushing and the nice-mama-reading-singing-snuggling routine.

Kiddo 2.0 announces that she needs to pee.  I put her on the potty, she pees.  Back to bed.
She announces she has to poo. I put her on the potty, she poos. Back to bed.
She announces she has to poo.  I put her on the potty, she poos.

FIVE TIMES.  We repeated this cycle FIVE TIMES.  Answer me this: HOW does a toddler not hold it long enough to make it to the 2nd potty in the house, but has the control to "stop & go" to make what should be one trip turn into FIVE TRIPS?!?!?!?

After I escaped the hostage situation nurturing, soothing bedtime routine, Kiddo 1.0 announced she would like another bedtime snack and time to play with her dolls.  I deal with my impatient parenting by having consistent, firm boundaries, giving in to practically anything.  So, Kiddo 1.0 cashes in an extra 15 minutes with a second bedtime snack and the following play scenario:

Kiddo 1.0: "Mama, will you help me put the doll's helmets on?"
Me: "Sure."
Kiddo 1.0: "Waaaaaiiiilllll. Hollllllleeerrrrr. The pink baby lost the pink helmet. Scccrreeaam."
Me, taking deep breaths and conjuring up images of women around the world who have to deal with real problems like cancer treatments and poverty and Ebola so I don't get tricked into thinking this is REALLY A CRISIS.
Kiddo 1.0: "Oh, here it is."

On the doll's head. She found the helmet on.the.doll's.head.

Even as I write this, the mama shame kicks in. I was *technically* only with the girls for 4 awake hours today, thanks to my village that watches them so I can work.  I am *technically* an expert in early childhood mental health.  My children are healthy, resourced little creatures.  So, really, there's no excuse for this rant.

Except that the helmet WAS ON THE DOLL'S HEAD.