Lent 2020, Week 3: Jealousy

I'm here.  "Here" looks and feels very, very differently than it did 1 week ago.  I'm having a difficult time believing Lent will end this year.  I'm having a REALLY difficult time replacing jealousy with abundance.  The sight of empty store shelves sends me into a panic attack.  After one week of running a small business, teaching 1st & 4th grade, canceling numerous vacations & work trips, I am tired and scared and sad.

I debated even posting, wondering if this was a relevant enough topic for "Living in a Pandemic."  Turns out, it is.  At least I think so.

Jealousy stems from comparison & scarcity.  Two things we have in abundance during a pandemic.  The fear of scarcity has been a constant hum for the last week- scarcity of toilet paper, income, sleep, sanity........And it's been a nearly constant practice of feeling scarcity & searching for security. I have not been able to trust abundance of the toilet paper, financial, or canned food variety this week.  I have looked HARD for abundance and found it in:
--The amount of time my dog will spend walking with me.
--The number of jigsaw puzzles waiting to be done in my family room.
--The encouragement & compassion from a small village that helped me pull off a 10 year old's birthday on Wednesday.

There's still more panic than peace.  But I'm trying. And when it's too hard to ditch the scarcity, I've tried to ditch the comparison.

One way I search for security is through connection.  The Truth that is connection is more than a hum....it's an energy that runs through my work and my parenting and my partnering.  Connection has gotten, ahem, complicated these days.  In the moments I do find meaningful connection, I'm quickly slipping into comparison.

Crystal, comparing to Person A:
"Person A has a job with paid leave & a supervisor to make all of these decisions. Person A took their vacation last month."  I feel jealous just typing this.

Crystal, comparing to Person B:
"Person B lost their job & was evicted last week, before the eviction ban happened.  Person B can't visit their family member in the hospital."  I feel deep, deep shame for being worried or jealous or angry compared to person B.

So on top of a pandemic, I am alternating between Jealous and Ashamed.  After a few days of this, it quickly became unsustainable and I began to engage option C: me.

Crystal, comparing to Person C(rystal):
"There are no plans or answers that are sticking right now.  You are tired and sad and scared.  And you are worthy of rest and joy and peace."  I feel a bit more steady as I type this.  I used to believe this thought process was selfish.  But, the thing is, Person A and Person B are no worse off because of my dialogue with Person C.  I actually believe they are better.

My February self thought it'd be a good idea to spend the next week meditating on the idea of letting go of resentment & replacing it with gratitude.  I may or may not be posting next week.  In the meantime, a meme & music:



Just today, Jason Gray launched the "Disorder" series of his latest album.  I postponed family movie night to listen to the live concert & cry.  I still can't really even talk about it.  But I encourage you to check it out!